Read - Part 1
Read - Part 2
Immediately sensing the internal turmoil running in Ste’s mind, Jamie began to curse inward silently. A small vicious voice from the deepest corner of his mind began to berate him “There you go again, Gangle. Jamming your foot in your mouth in the most importune moments”. Jamie tried to silence the sinister whisper but it continued unabated. “Just how far do you think of going with this? You’re crazy, Gangle? Looking for a beating, are you now?” the mocking voice seem to sneer at Jamie. Blinking hard as if trying to banish all leering thoughts swirling behind his eyes, Jamie came back to the reality of Ste sitting in front of him with a measured look on his face. Hesitantly, Jamie slowly sat up and moved slightly away from Ste. Although the distance between the two was imperceptible, it screamed of the realization that things would be different from this point on.
“Jamie” Ste began to softly whisper.
“Here, Ste. I’m sorry about what I said just now. I was just only joking you see” Jamie calmly said with a small smile that tried its best not to look bitter. “No harm done.” Jamie said as he tried to convince Ste as well as himself.
Ste stared into the twin pools that were the eyes of the boy sitting in front of him as he collected his thoughts. “Its not really the best thing to joke about, Jamie” he replied with a blank expression on his face.
“Shite! He’s angry at me” Jamie’s thoughts screamed silently at him as he tried to ready Ste’s reaction. “Sorry, Ste. I’m such a twat for taking advantage of your situation. I should have known better than that.” Jamie shakily said as he inched slowly away from Ste. Jamie tried his hardest to stem the tears of shame that suddenly threaten to wash him away as he cowered under Ste’s unwavering gaze.
Ste saw that Jamie was slowly moving away from him. The distance between them began to tug at his very soul as he felt a part of him slipping away. He had just found a lifeline in the form of the boy next door to pull him from his depths of despair. He realized now that Jamie was the lighthouse that he was looking for to lead him to safety as he navigated the passage of time. He was not about to let this fleeting chance to pass him by now that he had the power to do something about it. He never actually had any say when his Mum was snatched away in her prime just as he was learning about being loved. Now that he found a glimmer of that same love radiating out in warm waves from Jamie’s heart, he could not risk to lose it again over simple conventions.
Instinctually, Ste’s hand shot out to take Jamie’s firmly. He smiled as he noticed that Jamie jumped perceptively in his skin at the sudden touch. “Go for it” Ste smiled as he found himself in the position of making the next move. He was still unsure of what that next move would be but he was not about to let Jamie go.
“Any further Jamie and you’ll fall off the edge” Ste smiled as he shook Jamie’s hand slightly to jolt him from his thoughts.
Jamie looked dumbfounded at the hand that was pulling him back from the edge. Never in a million years would he have dreamed of this feeling that was equal amounts of anticipation and apprehension. He lifted his face slowly only to see a tender look emanating from Ste’s face. At once Jamie felt the warm glow of relief as he saw Ste’s beaming smile. He has seen that smile many time before but this time it felt different. It was as if the whole being of Ste was behind those lips telling him that he had nothing to fear from Ste tonight. This was were he chose to be and although Jamie wished that the circumstances that led Ste to his room tonight were very different, he was thankful that Ste was here with him.
“I thought that you were angry at me” Jamie finally said once the moment of relief passed them by.
“Angry? At what?” Ste replied as he slowly pulled Jamie’s hand into his lap.
“At me. At what I was …” The final word trailed as Jamie felt the pangs of shame returning. His eyes dropped down to the warm hands that was cradling his so tenderly.
“You were what, Jamie?” Ste said bemusedly. This was the first time that he was seeing Jamie squirmed with his words. Jamie had always been sharp with his tongue and being this tongue tied must mean that he had something difficult to say.
“At what I was thinking about” Jamie finally blurted out as a steady flow of blush began creeping up his face.
“How would I know what you’re thinking about? I’m not psychic, Jamie” Ste said as his smile grew wider at the thought of how infuriating this must be for Jamie. Try as hard as he did, the thought nearly caused a fresh bout of giggling.
Slowly lifting his face, Jamie saw the effort that it took Ste to hold back the giggles and immediately realised that Ste was enjoying all of this at his expanse. Taking his cue from Ste, Jamie pulled Ste’s hands and placed them on his chest.
“I was thinking if you would think that I was a tart if I just threw you on the bed and ripped that T-shift off so I don’t get tangled in them again” Jamie said as he mimicked a breathless starlet.
Not wanting to let Jamie have the last word this time, Ste moved closer to Jamie and locked his stare at him. “But, you are a tart, Jamie Gangle and I like tarts” Ste whispered and quickly stole a kiss from a stunned Jamie before they both started to giggle again.
Clearing his throat after the giggling subsided, Jamie seriously considered the situation. “ Seriously Ste, what do we do now?” Jamie said with the feeling of perfect calmness.
Jamie’s words seem to hang in the air for a moment as Ste paused to find the words to express his thoughts. Slowly he began to realise how warm and soft Jamie’s hands were as they lay there cradled in his. Ste lifted the hands slowly as if they were the most fragile items in the world and brought them close to his cheek. Immediately Ste began to feel the waves of comfort that seemed to flow from somewhere deep within the body of the boy in front of him. Looking up, Ste looked deep into Jamie’s eyes and saw a reflection of the fountain where the waves were coming from. It was so easy for him to let himself drift in that fountain forever but he was not sure if that was what he wanted.
“I don’t know, Jamie. I don’t know what to do next” Ste sighed as he released Jamie’s hands.
A sudden look of pain flashed across Jamie’s face as he felt his hands crashing down on the mattress. The night has been quite the emotional roller coaster for him and what they have been through up to that point has been more that he imagined would be possible. To take it further would be more than his fantasies came through but he began to doubt if he himself was ready for it. Jamie could not stop wondering if Ste was also ready for what would happen and how this might change them. It was one thing to dream about being together but do they have the courage to see it through? Unable to face Ste’s questioning eyes, Jamie slowly turned around and tried hard to banish the growing doubts.
“I’ll understand if you want to stop now Ste before we do anything we’ll regret later.” Jamie softly whispered as he tried his best to hide the hurt he felt inside.
Suddenly finding himself looking at Jamie’s back for the second time that night, Ste could not help but feel a sinking feeling in his heart. He was confused and scared of what he was thinking about. Everybody he knew told him that what he was feeling for Jamie was not right and that he was soiled for having such impure thoughts. His heart started to break at the thought of not having Jamie back in his arms and yet everything that he had been taught says that it was not right for a man to lie with another man. Slowly it began to get more difficult for him to breath as he felt his own heart being strangled by the dogma that clouded his mind. Shaking his head slowly to sweep away the doubts, Ste slowly lifted his arms to gentle pull Jamie back to face him.
“I know that we should stop Jamie but I don’t know if I want to. I’m not even sure if I can now, Jamie” Ste tried to calmly reassure Jamie as they eyes met.
Jamie searched deep into Ste’s eyes and found the turmoil that was being raged in Ste’s mind. It was no less than the one that was raging in his. Both were fighting years of indoctrination and no one knew if it was a battle that could be won. It was so easy for one of them to put a stop to this and agreed this night never happened. They could continue to live life as they were and never talk about what happened ever again. It was so easy but it was not something that Jamie wanted to do. It would just break his heart to see Ste again in the daylight and wonder about the what ifs if they were to stop now. Ste was right about one thing though. They have both opened a door and walked though it with the realization that they might not be able to return to where they were before.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Read - Part 1