Wednesday, January 31, 2007

A Night To Remember - Part 4

Read - Part 1
Read - Part 2
Read - Part 3

“Ste. I must tell you that I don’t even know if I could stop now either but I don’t want you to do something that you would regret tomorrow” Jamie calmly said as he return back to the reality that was facing him now.

Ste felt the warm wash of relief over him as he saw the resolve in Jamie’s eyes. “I don’t want to think about regrets now, Jamie. I’ll sort out tomorrow when tomorrow comes but that’s not tonight. What I know is that if I lose you now, I don’t know if I would have the courage to face you again.”

“But you do realise that if anything happen between us now, things will never be the same again ?”

“I know Jamie but things stopped being the same the moment you kissed me” Ste softly smiled as he realised that Jamie was as worried as he was at how things were progressing.

Jamie felt the last of his barriers melt away at the sight of that beautiful smile that he knew so well. Though doubts were still crowding at the back of his head, he now knew that Ste was fighting the same doubts as he was and that they could drew on each other’s strength to see it through. There was no one else that he would rather have by his side than Ste as he resolved to take this leap of faith. Slowly Jamie began to raise his hands up to touch the face of the one whom he had been longing for from afar. A face that was now sharing their strength to find the courage to be true to their hearts.

“Jamie? ” Ste whispered slowly relishing the wonderful sound that the name made. He has said the name many times before but this time there seemed to be a magical tinge to it that somehow warmed his soul as he said it.

“Yeah, Ste.” Jamie was transfixed at the sight of Ste sitting there deeply immersed in his own thoughts.

“How long have you …” Ste’s final words trailed away as he tried to make sense of how things were turning out.

Looking deep into Ste’s eyes, Jamie suddenly found himself in tune with his thoughts and that he could sense what Ste was thinking about. Ste was never the easiest person to read since he would always have an invisible barrier around him to shield himself from the hurt that others inflicted on him. Nevertheless, that barrier had been lowered tonight and suddenly Jamie could clearly see the one this shield protected.

“Known that I’m in love with you?” Jamie effortlessly finished Ste’s words for him.

Ste felt his breath caught momentarily in his throat when he heard his unfinished thoughts completed. Jamie smiled when he saw the flash of surprise that flickered in Ste’s eyes.
“How did you know I was going to say that?”

“It would be the exact same thing I would ask if I was in your situation, Ste.”

Ste paused to consider Jamie’s reply. It seemed that Jamie was beginning to know him better than he knew himself. Ste wondered silently if this was there all the long and that he had never looked deep enough to see it. He has been hiding behind the walls that he built all these years out of necessity. This shell that he had surrounded himself served to blunt the blows that rained on him from his own flesh and blood. It was also this cloak of convenience that kept him at arms length from everyone around him until tonight. For the first time in a long while, he did not feel the need for that invisible protection that cocooned him within his despair.

Jamie’s soft chuckle suddenly snapped Ste back from his reverie. Though it felt like several lifetimes flashed in his thoughts, time seemed to stop for him while Ste exorcised the demons that clouded his eyes. Slowly his vision focused on the unwavering image of Jamie smiling shyly across the bed. Once again Ste felt the tug at his heart reminding him of this newly found lifeline that he found in Jamie.

“See. I’ve got your number, Ste.” Jamie winked playfully at a stunned Ste.

“So you’re the psychic now, eh?” Ste playfully pushed Jamie’s arms. He could not believe how easy it was now to be around Jamie now that he had put his doubts away. “Seriously, Jamie. How long have you known?”

Jamie raised an eyebrow as he paused to consider his answer. Ste looked so eager at that precise moment as he waited for the answer to his question that there was no way that Jamie could deny him. The look was so endearing that Jamie could not think of denying Ste anything is the world if it would make him happy.

“I don’t really know when I realised that I’m in love with you. We’ve been mates ever since I moved here with Mum that for a long time that was all we were.” Jamie paused as he felt his cheeks began to get warm. “One day, I woke up and saw something in you that I never saw before. I tried to put it out of my head but the more I tried to ignore it, the more that feeling got stronger.”

Ste was in rapt attention as he listened to Jamie’s confession. He never noticed any changes in Jamie before this night. He would be the first to admit that he could be a bit thick headed sometimes but Jamie has been his friend for so long that he should have noticed the change in their relationship. Ste now realised that he was not the only one walking around with masks that hide the inner realities. Jamie was living behind his own disguise all this while and it was only now that he knew about it.

“After a time, I resigned to the thought of keeping how I felt about you to myself. It was hard at first what with seeing you everyday at school and home but after awhile it got to be second nature to me” Jamie sighed as he lowered his head in embarrassment.

“You never told me about this before, Jamie” Ste softly said as he took Jamie’s hands into his again.

Smiling slightly, Jamie rose his eyes only to see twin pools of understanding reflected in Ste’s eyes. “It’s not like I could come up to you and say ‘By the way, Ste. I think that I’m madly in love with you’ wouldn’t it?”

Ste giggled softly at the thought. “I don’t know, Jamie. It’s not like you’ve ever even tried, eh?”

“I was scared out of my wits to even think of trying. I was scared that you’ll see me as what everyone at school thought me of. A queer bent bastard”

Ste suddenly remembered all the taunts and abuse that Jamie had to go through at school. It must have been hard for him to face McBride and his friends everyday and try to ignore the hurtful words thrown in his way. All of the sudden, Ste felt the raising tide of shame and guilt building up inside of him as he never tried to defend Jamie before even when he knew that he should have done something to help his neighbour. Ste promised silently to himself that he would soon change that.

“You never seem to take notice of what they said at school, Jamie.”

“There is not much of a choice, Ste. It's either I ignore them or get my head bashed in for trying to get back at them. Not that anything that I could do would change how the people at school treated me?” Jamie had resigned to his fate long ago with respect to the behaviour of the others at school towards him

Ste could see that although Jamie said that the words did not matter to him, he could feel the hurt that Jamie kept bottled inside. “Not everyone at school think of you that way, Jamie.” Ste tried to gently reassure Jamie.

“You maybe right, Ste but I’m still shite to some of them. Especially to McBride”

Ste could not help himself from recoiling slightly at the venom that was dripping from Jamie’s words. He was not sure that Jamie himself noticed it but Jamie said McBride’s name as if it was a curse. It was clear to Ste that of all the people at school, McBride was the one that Jamie detested most.

“McBride always been a prat. You know that, Jamie. Why do you even care what he thinks?” Ste’s brow began to furrow as he tried to understand the root of Jamie’s anger.

Jamie lowered his head again as it felt heavy from the shame that was rising from deep inside of him. “That prat, as you correctly put it, happens to be your mate as well. I thought that you would think the same way as he did seeing that you’ve always around his group.”

“Jamie!” Ste was stunned beyond belief at what Jamie said. He gently lifted Jamie’s chin so that their eyes met again. In Jamie’s eyes, Ste could see the glistening of tears started to form. Ste gently began to wipe them away before caressing Jamie’s cheeks with the softest touch that he could manage. "I would never think that of you" Ste's tried to firmly reassure Jamie. “Not after all you’ve done for me all these years, Jamie”

“Listen to me. McBride always shoots his mouth off before his brain finishes the thought. While there is no excuse for him to treat you the way he does, he’s not half as bad when you get to know him.”

“If you say so, Ste.” Jamie only managed a weak smile as the thought getting to know McBride better was not something that he was looking forward to.

Ste saw how much McBride had hurt Jamie regardless of what he said to indicate otherwise. In way what Jamie was going through with McBride was no different from what he himself was facing at home. Ste realised that he had to do something to change the situation for Jamie at school. It was the least that he could do for Jamie now that he had given him this special gift of his love. “Things will change soon, Jamie” Ste silently promised to himself as he glanced to meet Jamie’s smile.

For once in his life, that change was truly something Ste was looking forward to. One of many that will happen on this one night to remember.

The End.

Writer’s note:
I initially didn’t wanted to end this story here. I had this plan to try to write out this romantic and , dare I say it, erotic encounter between the two boys as they discovered the love that they had for each other. It was suppose to be my first attempt at writing anything remotely steamy.

I guess in hindsight, what turned out was steamy as in a steaming pile of crap. It’s hard not to disown my attempt at trying to write a sex scene when even I find it hard not to laugh out loud at my pathetic attempts to describe it. Once I started, I immediately realise that I can’t write a sex scene. Maybe it is because I’m a prude in real life or just because I have less experience at it than a eunuch but everything that came out of that attempt was totally embarrassing to read.

Maybe one day I will be able to finally overcome my hang-ups to be able to finish this story as I envisioned it when I first started writing it. Till then, I just have to end this story at this point.

Monday, January 29, 2007

Someone To Watch Over Me

I had a very strange dream last weekend.

In my dream, I saw my late grandmother, who has been dead for nearly 10 years, again. She was came to my current apartment, which she never did before as she was too sick to make it up the 4 flights of stairs to my apartment, and showed me a row of books that I have never seen before. I don’t remember now what the books were about and where they came from but I distinctly remember the feeling that those books were valuable some how. I also don’t actually recalled what we talked about in that dream but I remember waking up feeling relieved about something that I can’t put my finger on. It was as if she had come to help me with something that was weighing heavily on my mind although I’m hard pressed to recall now what it might have been. She always had a knack of comforting me when I needed it the most and I believe that she still does it for me even after she has passed on somehow.

I do believe that she still looks over me and this might be just one of the times that she pops in to remind me that she still does. I hope that she doesn’t get too shocked to see what I have been doing lately but I think that deep in her heart she knew me better than what I gave her credit for. It is comforting nevertheless to know that there is always a loved one looking over me.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

A Night To Remember - Part 3

Read - Part 1
Read - Part 2

Immediately sensing the internal turmoil running in Ste’s mind, Jamie began to curse inward silently. A small vicious voice from the deepest corner of his mind began to berate him “There you go again, Gangle. Jamming your foot in your mouth in the most importune moments”. Jamie tried to silence the sinister whisper but it continued unabated. “Just how far do you think of going with this? You’re crazy, Gangle? Looking for a beating, are you now?” the mocking voice seem to sneer at Jamie. Blinking hard as if trying to banish all leering thoughts swirling behind his eyes, Jamie came back to the reality of Ste sitting in front of him with a measured look on his face. Hesitantly, Jamie slowly sat up and moved slightly away from Ste. Although the distance between the two was imperceptible, it screamed of the realization that things would be different from this point on.

“Jamie” Ste began to softly whisper.

“Here, Ste. I’m sorry about what I said just now. I was just only joking you see” Jamie calmly said with a small smile that tried its best not to look bitter. “No harm done.” Jamie said as he tried to convince Ste as well as himself.

Ste stared into the twin pools that were the eyes of the boy sitting in front of him as he collected his thoughts. “Its not really the best thing to joke about, Jamie” he replied with a blank expression on his face.

“Shite! He’s angry at me” Jamie’s thoughts screamed silently at him as he tried to ready Ste’s reaction. “Sorry, Ste. I’m such a twat for taking advantage of your situation. I should have known better than that.” Jamie shakily said as he inched slowly away from Ste. Jamie tried his hardest to stem the tears of shame that suddenly threaten to wash him away as he cowered under Ste’s unwavering gaze.

Ste saw that Jamie was slowly moving away from him. The distance between them began to tug at his very soul as he felt a part of him slipping away. He had just found a lifeline in the form of the boy next door to pull him from his depths of despair. He realized now that Jamie was the lighthouse that he was looking for to lead him to safety as he navigated the passage of time. He was not about to let this fleeting chance to pass him by now that he had the power to do something about it. He never actually had any say when his Mum was snatched away in her prime just as he was learning about being loved. Now that he found a glimmer of that same love radiating out in warm waves from Jamie’s heart, he could not risk to lose it again over simple conventions.

Instinctually, Ste’s hand shot out to take Jamie’s firmly. He smiled as he noticed that Jamie jumped perceptively in his skin at the sudden touch. “Go for it” Ste smiled as he found himself in the position of making the next move. He was still unsure of what that next move would be but he was not about to let Jamie go.

“Any further Jamie and you’ll fall off the edge” Ste smiled as he shook Jamie’s hand slightly to jolt him from his thoughts.

Jamie looked dumbfounded at the hand that was pulling him back from the edge. Never in a million years would he have dreamed of this feeling that was equal amounts of anticipation and apprehension. He lifted his face slowly only to see a tender look emanating from Ste’s face. At once Jamie felt the warm glow of relief as he saw Ste’s beaming smile. He has seen that smile many time before but this time it felt different. It was as if the whole being of Ste was behind those lips telling him that he had nothing to fear from Ste tonight. This was were he chose to be and although Jamie wished that the circumstances that led Ste to his room tonight were very different, he was thankful that Ste was here with him.

“I thought that you were angry at me” Jamie finally said once the moment of relief passed them by.

“Angry? At what?” Ste replied as he slowly pulled Jamie’s hand into his lap.

“At me. At what I was …” The final word trailed as Jamie felt the pangs of shame returning. His eyes dropped down to the warm hands that was cradling his so tenderly.

“You were what, Jamie?” Ste said bemusedly. This was the first time that he was seeing Jamie squirmed with his words. Jamie had always been sharp with his tongue and being this tongue tied must mean that he had something difficult to say.

“At what I was thinking about” Jamie finally blurted out as a steady flow of blush began creeping up his face.

“How would I know what you’re thinking about? I’m not psychic, Jamie” Ste said as his smile grew wider at the thought of how infuriating this must be for Jamie. Try as hard as he did, the thought nearly caused a fresh bout of giggling.

Slowly lifting his face, Jamie saw the effort that it took Ste to hold back the giggles and immediately realised that Ste was enjoying all of this at his expanse. Taking his cue from Ste, Jamie pulled Ste’s hands and placed them on his chest.

“I was thinking if you would think that I was a tart if I just threw you on the bed and ripped that T-shift off so I don’t get tangled in them again” Jamie said as he mimicked a breathless starlet.

Not wanting to let Jamie have the last word this time, Ste moved closer to Jamie and locked his stare at him. “But, you are a tart, Jamie Gangle and I like tarts” Ste whispered and quickly stole a kiss from a stunned Jamie before they both started to giggle again.

Clearing his throat after the giggling subsided, Jamie seriously considered the situation. “ Seriously Ste, what do we do now?” Jamie said with the feeling of perfect calmness.

Jamie’s words seem to hang in the air for a moment as Ste paused to find the words to express his thoughts. Slowly he began to realise how warm and soft Jamie’s hands were as they lay there cradled in his. Ste lifted the hands slowly as if they were the most fragile items in the world and brought them close to his cheek. Immediately Ste began to feel the waves of comfort that seemed to flow from somewhere deep within the body of the boy in front of him. Looking up, Ste looked deep into Jamie’s eyes and saw a reflection of the fountain where the waves were coming from. It was so easy for him to let himself drift in that fountain forever but he was not sure if that was what he wanted.

“I don’t know, Jamie. I don’t know what to do next” Ste sighed as he released Jamie’s hands.

A sudden look of pain flashed across Jamie’s face as he felt his hands crashing down on the mattress. The night has been quite the emotional roller coaster for him and what they have been through up to that point has been more that he imagined would be possible. To take it further would be more than his fantasies came through but he began to doubt if he himself was ready for it. Jamie could not stop wondering if Ste was also ready for what would happen and how this might change them. It was one thing to dream about being together but do they have the courage to see it through? Unable to face Ste’s questioning eyes, Jamie slowly turned around and tried hard to banish the growing doubts.

“I’ll understand if you want to stop now Ste before we do anything we’ll regret later.” Jamie softly whispered as he tried his best to hide the hurt he felt inside.

Suddenly finding himself looking at Jamie’s back for the second time that night, Ste could not help but feel a sinking feeling in his heart. He was confused and scared of what he was thinking about. Everybody he knew told him that what he was feeling for Jamie was not right and that he was soiled for having such impure thoughts. His heart started to break at the thought of not having Jamie back in his arms and yet everything that he had been taught says that it was not right for a man to lie with another man. Slowly it began to get more difficult for him to breath as he felt his own heart being strangled by the dogma that clouded his mind. Shaking his head slowly to sweep away the doubts, Ste slowly lifted his arms to gentle pull Jamie back to face him.

“I know that we should stop Jamie but I don’t know if I want to. I’m not even sure if I can now, Jamie” Ste tried to calmly reassure Jamie as they eyes met.

Jamie searched deep into Ste’s eyes and found the turmoil that was being raged in Ste’s mind. It was no less than the one that was raging in his. Both were fighting years of indoctrination and no one knew if it was a battle that could be won. It was so easy for one of them to put a stop to this and agreed this night never happened. They could continue to live life as they were and never talk about what happened ever again. It was so easy but it was not something that Jamie wanted to do. It would just break his heart to see Ste again in the daylight and wonder about the what ifs if they were to stop now. Ste was right about one thing though. They have both opened a door and walked though it with the realization that they might not be able to return to where they were before.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

The First Step To Start A New Journey

After years of thinking and talking about it, I finally signed up for a gym membership this past week. I’ve always put it off before both because of financial constraints and my own hesitance to work out in public. After my good year last year in terms of being able to actually lose weight at the end of the year instead of gaining weight like I usually do, I have to say that I feel motivated to lose even more weight and tone up my flabby physique hence my rationalization on why I need to start going to the gym now. I also can afford shedding more weight health-wise if I wanted to get my high blood pressure under control. As it is now, it is a surprise that I’m still able to function normally without having my head pop in a spray of blood every time I get stressed. I’m hoping that these benefits would be sufficient to push me to overcome my extreme reluctance of working out in public.

I actually did some weight training using free weights back when I was in college. It was quite fun in the beginning since I made new friends who shared the same interests of staying in shape. It didn’t hurt either that I was continuously surrounded with wall to wall eye candy/fantasy material to get me motivated to work harder to measure up. Unfortunately for me, I got too easily discouraged by the lack of progress I made compared to the other people that I trained with. After slacking too often on my training program, it felt easier to just drop it rather than pushing myself to reach the unrealistic goals that I set for myself. Add to the fact that I was inflicting more hurt than good by using the wrong techniques when training with free weights, it was just a matter of time before I felt that it was not turning out to be all that I hoped for. To this day, I still regret giving up so easily back then when I could have easily stuck with it and try to learn the right way of doing it. Things could have turned out differently had I felt more secure with how my body looked if I had just continued on then.

When I first started working at my current office, I also made use of the free gym facilities that they offer to the staff. At first it was all good since there were a bunch of us who would always make it a point to work out together after work. As time passed, one by one of my gym buddies started to skip our session till in the end it was just myself who continued on with the regular workout session. It was at that point when I started feeling self conscious about working out in public again. It also didn’t help that the gym equipment always had a long queue of people wanting to use it and that they only opened from 5 to 8 pm during the weekdays. Although the company did provide a person to man the gym during operating hours, that person’s responsibility was more to maintain the gym equipment rather than helping out on showing people how to use the equipment correctly. In the end, I was back to square one by working out blindly and disappointed at my lack of progress. The last straw that broke the deal was when they would only allow normal employees to use the gym at only particular days because they set aside the other days for closed gym sessions for management staff. Although that policy has been changed, I have not been back to the office gym since then.

I hope that I would have a totally different experience with this new gym that I’m joining. For one, I have to pay a monthly fee to use the gym so I know that I would be putting in more effort to make sure that I get my money’s worth. Not only do I have to fork out the monthly fee out of my own pockets but I also signed up for a one year commitment to stick with the gym membership so I know I will have at least that long to fully utilize their facilities. To doubly make sure that I maximize what ever gains that I hope to achieve this time around, I’ve also decided to sign up to work with a personal trainer for the first 3 months. It will cost me a bomb to have it but based on my own personal experiences, I would need someone to teach me how to use the equipment properly and to continue to motivate me until I feel confident enough that I can continue on by myself.

It took me 2 visit of the gym pre sales membership booth before I decide to sign up. I also checked with some of my friends who I know are gym goers about the pros and cons of the gym facilities as well as the price that they offered for my monthly fees. It took some wrangling but I managed to get the initial gym joining fee waived and only have to pay RM 115 to use the gym facilities monthly. Since the gym doesn’t start operating at Sunway Pyramid till July, I don’t need to start paying the dues till then which will allow me to start paying off my personal trainer fees which should be fully paid off by the time I start using the gym. That would at least help in terms of not being too much of a financial burden at this point. I guess it is too early to see how much this change would impact me but what I do know is that I’m terribly excited about the whole thing.

It’s hard to explain why that I’m so excited about such a trivial matter. Probably it is because this move represents a change that I really wanted at this point in my life. I’m really hoping that this early birthday present for myself would pay back in dividends later.

Monday, January 22, 2007

Manila Trip '07 - Wheels In Motion

In about 2 weeks time, I hope to be on my way to Manila for the first time in my life and I have to be honest that I’m really excited about it.

It all started sometime back in November last year when a bunch of my secondary school alumni boys proposed an overseas trip. They decide to pick Manila as the trip destination and those who were interested to go would have to sign up to be included in the tour group. The prospect of going to Manila was really appealing to me since I have never been to any part of the Philippines. Having not been on a trip overseas since my last company business trip to Singapore, the idea of flying off to a far away destination became something that I hardly resist.

Those who were joining the trip had to pay for their own way which breaks down to return flight ticket, accommodations, food and other incidentals. Since we planned the trip so far in advance, we were able to get a pretty good deal from Air Asia for the return flight tickets. At RM 130 for the return tickets, it was a deal hard to beat although it was strange for me to buy tickets that cost less than the taxes they slapped on it. The total cost for the air fare came down to RM 353 excluding the Philippines airport tax that we have to pay when leaving the country. All in all, I set aside about RM 500 for the air fare from the total budget.

As for accommodation, we all made reservations at the Palm Plaza Hotel in Malate district in Manila. From what I was able to look up in the Net, it is suppose to be a businessman’s boutique hotel which means that it would be surrounded by a healthy spread of nightlife offerings. At least that’s what I understand when they say that they cater mainly for traveling businessman. Hopefully I would get a chance to enjoy it and continue to stay substance free for the trip. I’m sure the temptation would be greater there since I almost have never went out KL pub crawling since I stopped smoking and drinking. I really don’t want to fall off the wagon after all I went through to stay clean and sober. I think that I just have to play it by ear once I get there and double check myself if it’s worth succumbing to the temptation when it arises.

Speaking of temptation, I don’t know if I would be able to get to check out the alternative, as in not exclusively hetro-inclined, scene in Manila. Since the trip seems to be turning into a boys weekend away from the women-folk, I am fairly certain that a visit to a seedy strip joint would be in the plans some how. As much as I might enjoy the excursion, it wouldn’t be exactly the same for me. I guess that I could take a chance and slip out on my own and venture for to see the scene for myself but who am I kidding? For one, I would not want them to find out about my predilection if I got caught. Furthermore if I don’t have the balls to go to any of the gay bars in KL, what makes me think that I would have any to go to one alone in Manila where I don’t have any of my support structures in place? So a walk on the wild side in Manila for me looks very doubtful at this point.

Hopefully that would leave me with more money for food and incidentals. After RM 500 for the airfare and airport taxes and another RM 600 for 3 night’s stay at the hotel, I will be setting aside RM 2000 for the rest of my expenses there. I pray to God that I won’t be spending that much while I’m there since there are better things that I can use the money for. I just have this overwhelming fear of being stranded in a foreign place without enough money to get home which explains my irrational need to carry this much money on this trip. I’m fairly sure that I would be able to keep to a fairly balanced expenditure sheet seeing that food is suppose to be priced fairly reasonable in Manila and I’ve been told that there isn’t really much to shop for other than the locally made mementos there to bring back home. Other than my customary travel gifts that I would usually buy for my family and a few selected friends, I don’t think that I would be on a major spending spree while I’m there.

I wouldn’t be surprised if it turned out that I spent more leading to the trip then when I’m there. As latest count, I already had to shell out money for my passport renewal and a new pair of jeans which I truthfully need since I already wore out my last one until it was threadbare in the crotch area just waiting for an unsightly accident to happen. I even went as far as buying the male equivalent of a little black dress! I don’t know what drove me to actually buy it. I admit that the black with blue striped shirt does cut a fairly flattering silhouette on me now that I lost all the weight that I carried before. I must also admit that it does make me feel a bit saucy when I wear it but seriously I don’t know it I would ever be able to bring myself to put it on and go out in public. I’ve bought it on impulse and now it is sitting there making me feel intimidated. Does anyone else in their right mind would feel the same way?

I guess that I could con one of my friends to let me tag along when they go out to clubs and I finally find the courage to wear my little black shirt.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

A Night To Remember - Part 2

Read - Part 1

In the short moment that it took for Ste to debate his options, Jamie’s eyes clouded again with fresh tears. Ste took in a deep breath and let himself carried by the flow of the moment. His heart had never led him astray before and he hoped that it would not do so tonight. Gently he lifted Jamie’s head again and pressed his lips softly to Jamie’s.

When his lips touched Jamie’s soft lips, the familiar tingle that he felt before started to shoot up his spine. Unknowingly, Ste held his breath for fear that even the passage of air though his body would chase away this wonderful sensation. The pressure of the kiss became stronger as Ste let go of the last of his doubts and focused on thoughts of gratitude for Jamie’s tears. A calmness settled over him as Ste realized that he would never want this feeling to ever go away. Slowly his arm rose to encircle Jamie and pull him close to Ste’s body. Ste wanted to feel the warmth that was pouring out of Jamie’s heart on his skin.

Through the mist of sadness, Jamie’s mind snapped to attention at the contact of Ste’s lips. Every single conscious thought in his mind was suddenly exiled and left him with the just the physical sensation of the kiss. Jamie was not aware that had stopped breathing when Ste put his soft lips on his. A sudden explosion of colours threaten to overwhelm his mind as he felt the kiss became more insistent. A deep moan began to vibrate in the back of his throat as Jamie’s body started to relax at the comforting sensations of Ste’s arms pulling him close to his body. The flow of tears that threaten to drown his heart with sorrow had stop as suddenly as it came before.

Without him knowing it, Ste’s tongue stirred into a life of it’s own. It began to trace the ridges of Jamie’s teeth hesitantly asking permission to find it’s soft counterpart. Sensing the unspoken request, Jamie slightly parted the pearly gates that guarded his own tongue and beckon a silent welcome. When the tips of the two meet, a sudden jolt of electricity rushed through their nerve endings toward the two unprepared brains the result of which broke contact between the two soft lips. Ste and Jamie looked at each other in disbelieve while gasping for air that their starved lungs demanded.

“Did you feel that too?” Ste blurted out as soon as he had enough breath to form the words to his question.

Jamie’s face was flushed with surprised and excitement. “Yeah! What was that?” he said panting to find his breath.

Ste shyly looked at Jamie’s equally surprised expression. “I don’t know what it was but … My God!” his voice trailed off as he tried find the words to express the sensation. “Wanna find out?” Ste breathlessly asked with a cheeky grin on his face. Jamie could do nothing other than nod at the offer before their lips meet again to find the source of the wonderful feeling that they both just experienced.

With tentative steps, the two young adventurers retrace their path that led to that wondrous place that they glimpsed so briefly before. Both were silently amazed at how easy it was to find themselves standing again upon the gates of the same moment that overwhelmed their inexperienced senses. It was as if they were born for this journey and that every fibre of their being were created to find themselves in this moment. As time seemed to slow around them, they found themselves right back where they had parted moments before.

As soon as the tips of their tongue met, the now familiar spark seemed to jump from one to the other electrifying their senses. Having felt the spark before, the two minds steeled themselves against the breath taking sensations and were immediately rewarded with a wave of calmness that washed away all doubt that this was where they were meant to be. No longer were there conscious thoughts crowding away the sensations that came in soft waves over the two. Both reacting to the other without realising that they did not need to know what the other was asking. For a moment they found themselves in a familiar place that they never knew they’ve been before.

Their gentle exploration that began tentatively continued as time seemed to stop to worship the moment. Little by little instincts began to guide the two young boys through the motions that both never imagine finding themselves in. Ste’s hand began to softly trace the ridges of Jamie’s spine causing a slight shudder to run in the direction of his hands. Unknowingly, Jamie’s hands slipped gently under Ste’s T-shirt and started to stroke the sides of the boy in front of him ever so gently.

The sensations of Jamie’s soft hands gently warming his sides, Ste began to slip his free hand under Jamie’s T-shirt. Pausing for a moment to savour the soft skin of Jamie’s firming belly, Ste’s hands began to inch closer upwards towards Jamie’s unmoving chest. As Ste’s hands softly settled on Jamie’s chest, his beating heart began to race as he starts to feel the thumping of Jamie’s racing heart. The thumping became much faster as Ste began to slowly trace loving circle on the soft expanse of Jamie’s chest. Losing control of his limbs, Jamie unknowingly began to squeeze Ste’s side harder.

“Ouch!” Ste suddenly sat up straight and winced at the sudden sharp pain at his sides.

Jamie quickly lifted his hands from Ste’s side on hearing Ste’s pain. As he tried to extricate himself from Ste’s T-shirt, Jamie began to lose his balance and started to fall backwards taking Ste with him. As he was pulled forwards, Ste’s elbow dipped lower and accidentally hit Jamie’s groin area. Wholly surprised by the sudden pressure, Jamie began to cry out in pain only to be quickly cut off by Ste’s lips sealing his and stealing away the surprised yelp. Soon the lips began to muffle childish giggling that started to raise up deep within both boys. As Ste slowly lifted his lips from Jamie’s, he saw himself reflected in Jamie’s eyes. For one moment, they both share the same expression of trying their best to not break up laughing at their situation.

“You’re going to cut off my circulation if you don’t move your elbow, Ste” Jamie said as he valiantly tried to keep a straight face.

“Serves you right for squeezing me too tight!” Ste’s countered playfully and cheekily rubbed his elbow at Jamie’s groin.

A soft gasp for air escaped Jamie’s lungs as he felt the stirring in his groin responding to Ste’s uncharacteristic closeness. “You sure you want your elbow to be where it is right now, Ste?” Jamie breathlessly whispered to Ste and coyly fluttered his eye lids like many of the old time starlets that he saw on those old movies on telly.

Ste arched his eyebrows in surprise at Jamie’s behaviour for a moment before looking down and realising where his elbow was pressing. In an instant, his faced blushed the reddest shade of red imaginable as the realization of what had happened finally dawned to him. He quickly moved his elbow away and tried to be nonchalant about his predicament. He shyly turn to face Jamie and found himself looking at the widest smile that he ever saw on another person. Jamie’s grin was so infectious that Ste could not help himself from breaking into a grin that mirrored the one he was seeing himself.

“Why, thank you Master Steven. I finally have control of all my faculties” Jamie playfully pushed Ste up while still grinning from ear to ear.

Trying hard to contain his laughter, Ste was only able to blurt out the first comeback that came to his mind. “Silly git!” he whispered softly as he moved away slowly from Jamie’s warm arms.

“That’s Mr. Silly Git to you.” Jamie said with a naughty twinkle in his eyes.

“Alright then Mr. Silly Git. What do we do now?” Ste valiantly trying to be serious despite the small giggles that he was trying to contain.

Ever playing the role of the movie starlet, Jamie began to luxuriously stretch out across the bed as if to loosen every taut fibre of his being after the wonderful assault to his senses. “Don’t really know actually. It’s not like it’s something that they teach in school, innit?” Jamie said as he shyly glanced at the boy hovering in the field of vision in front of him.

Ste immediately stopped giggling as he began to weigh Jamie’s words. He never thought of how far he wanted to take this new experience. Being able to touch another and be touched without the fear of being hurt was an intoxicating experience. Kissing Jamie came surprisingly easy despite the fact that he was kissing another boy. He has kissed other people, all of them girls, but this time was different. There were no clumsy motions to go through. With Jamie, it came naturally. No thoughts of trying to figure out how to do it right. No pressure on him to impress Jamie with any fancy kissing technique. With Jamie it was as if that perfect kissed was there all along waiting for this night to blossom. But a kiss was miles away from the next step that Jamie might be thinking about if Ste was reading him right. Ste paused a moment to consider what would be his next step.

(to be continued)

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Stray thoughts

"When it is not dark enough, you can’t see the stars."

I got this from a fellow blogger’s blog site and I have not been able to get it out of my mind since morning. The sentiments behind the words are so simple but at times when the thought is most needed seems to be the most difficult to grasp. More often than not, when one finds themselves in a dark place of their lives it’s really hard to realize that things don’t stay dark forever. Worst part of the experience is that the feeling that you are all alone in what you have to go through.

Looking back on my own experiences, there has been more than a few dark times in my life. Some I got through by sheer preservation and honestly some I never really knew how I managed to survive through it. I guess copious amount of mind altering substances might have had a hand in me getting through those that I don’t remember. Good thing that I got wise to the fact that in the end I had to get myself through the dark times without chemical influence if I really wanted to have a lasting resolution to my problems. I shudder to think how I might have ended up today as if I had not learnt that lesson when I did.

Having friends around you when you are going through the darkest times of your life is something that I have always been thankful for. Somehow I have been fortunate enough to always been able to find a sympathetic ear to bend even when I thought that I was at my loneliest. Because of that I have always believe in never declining to be a shoulder to turn to in times of trouble to any of my friends. Of course this has led to some problems in some occasions especially when it involves me being in the middle of feuding couples which makes me a bit hesitant in my later years to offer advise on the subject of relationships. What I do now is more to cheer them up so they could at least have some respite to collect their thoughts. If they are in their darkest place, I hope that I could be a bright point in the sky for them to look forward to.

As I sit now at home away from the office recovering from a mild case of food poisoning and feeling a bit pensive despite the bright sunny day outside, I still have the simple sentiments that I started this entry with on my mind. It is when it is darkest that the sky really lights up. One only need to remember to look up to be able to appreciate it then. No matter how low you feel at that particular moment, it only takes a gaze to see that there is something better waiting for you to reach out to.

Hence my favorite thing to say when I feel down …

Buck up ‘lil camper.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

It's Time To Change

Long time readers of my blog and those who know me personally outside on this space know full well my issues with my personal appearance. No matter how much people try to convince me that I don’t look half bad relative to the trolls that roam the dark backrooms in KL, I still have to physically restrain myself from breaking each mirror every time I catch my own reflection in them. In my mind’s eye, I can’t lose enough weight fast enough for me to be comfortable in my own body. It got worse as I grew older and start yearning for physical intimacies because I could not bring myself to take my clothes off in front of another person no matter how much I wanted to. If I can’t bear looking at myself unclothed in front of the mirror without feeling disgusted, how can I expect another to not have the same disgust when they look at me?

Fortunately for me and my sanity, I like to think that there is still hope. 2006 turned out to be the first time that my yearly resolution to lose weight really got accomplished. I started 2006 weighing 89kg and by the time 2007 rolled around, I had lost 9 kg and at least 2 waistband size. I think that I managed to do this by changing my eating habits … eating half the portions size that I used to, eating better food and cutting out as much junk from my diet as my cravings can let me. Somehow I tapped into the same willpower that have helped me to be successfully nicotine free for the last 3 years which still amazes me considering how much of a cigarette fiend I was back then. This well of willpower will be something that I would really need this coming year.

For 2007, I have made it a goal for me to lose even more weight than I did last year. I need to do this not only so that I can feel better about myself but also as a precautionary measure since I’m fairly sure that my previously diagnosed borderline hypertension would have been upgraded to full blown just-waiting-for-a-stroke-to-happen by now. At 33 (ok … 34 next month), it’s almost a sin not to take better care of yourself if one wanted to live out the remainder of your life in the best of health. I like to think that what I do now in terms of my health and well being at this point of my life will pay out in dividends when I turn 50 if I live that long that is.

To beat my previous record of losing 9kgs, I have decided to not only continue my existing dietary habits but to couple that with moderate workouts. Other than my daily 1 hour round trip walk to work, I haven’t really done much in terms of working out in the past year. If I could lose 9kgs just with my walks, just imagine how much more weight I could lose if I just got off my fat ass and start excising more. The thought was enough to get me to dust off my old neglected exercise machine and start using it again after years it sat rusting quietly in my storage room. I have only been using it about 30 minutes per session every other day for the past 2 weeks and was pleasantly surprised how much I feel that I could really get into this again. I did some free weights back when I was in college but never really stuck to it much to my disappointment now. I’m fairly sure that if I were to put in as much effort as I do in being substance free into working out, I would be able to meet my goal of achieving my optimum body weight. Hopefully by doing that, I would also be able to tone up my body so at least I will no longer have the urge to tempt 7 years of bad luck every time I see myself in the mirror.

There is a new gym opening up near my apartment that is having a pre-opening membership drive that I have been considering to sign up. I already have a free gym facility that I could go to at my workplace but I have been too self conscious to go to since everyone who goes to that gym know me from work. They also do not offer any trainers to help map out a workout plan in my office gym which I really need if I achieve my goals. The facilities being offered at this new gym looks promising as well as the classes that they offer free to members. The only drawback is that I have to sign up for a whole year membership contract for the first year before being able to opt out in the second year if I wanted to. At RM 115 per month, I’m not sure if it is considered a good value since I have never had to pay for gym membership before. I guess that I have to ask around some of my friends who I know are gym goers to see it the price seems reasonable. If it is, then is a good chance that I will treat myself to a gym membership this year.

If I do, I guess I’ll be shopping for a gym buddy as well to keep me motivated :-)

Friday, January 12, 2007

A Night To Remember - Part 1

Don't really know what to post about today but I felt that I need to keep this new motivation for blogging moving forward. I guess I should think about something to write about soon.

Anyway ... as part of my new resolve to start writing again, I would like to share some of the pieces that I did before back when I was just briming with creative juices. I was also inspired back then by Jonathan Harvey's "Beautiful Thing", a movie that is still close to my heart, when I wrote this original piece. For those who know the movie, this piece of fictional prose expands on what I think happens after the Peppermint lotion scene between Jamie and Ste in Jamie's beadroom. Some of us will of course know how the scene ends in the movie but for those who don't, "Beautiful Thing" is a movie really worth watching at least once in your life time so go find it to find out what happens in the movie.

I must warn you that this is the original unedited draft of the story so there are bound to be a lot of gramatical and word choice mistakes since I am my worst editor. I hope that it would not be too distracting when you read it.

Part 2 will be posted next week.


A Night To Remember - Part 1

Jamie's mind was racing! "Shite! You're diving off the deep end now, Gangle" he thought.

After years of yearning for the boy next door, it had boiled down to this one moment. Just moments before he had done the impossible. He kissed Ste on the lips. Ste, the object of his fantasy and desires for all these years. Jamie had expected a fist to his face for taking advantage of Ste's emotional state but was surprised to find none. Ste's soulful eyes did not flamed with anger. Instead it reflected a longing that Jamie never imagined he would see outside the confines of the mirror that he himself looked into every day. Could this be true? Could he ever hope to imagine that Ste felt even the slightest bit of desire for him? Glancing back to those soulful eyes, Jamie tried to show his steely resolve and hoped that his expression would not betray him.

“Can I touch you?” Jamie said softly with pleading eyes that did indeed betrayed his resolve.

Ste tried valiantly not to show his obvious elation upon hearing Jamie’s request. He was still overcome by the soft feel of Jamie’s lips on his. The kiss only lasted a moment but it felt like a whole eternity to Ste. The soft lips left a tingle that Ste could not really comprehend. “Why do I feel this way? I’ve been kissed by another boy, for heaven’s sake. I should be disgusted but I’m not! ” Ste calmly thought to himself. For the first time he felt that here was someone who didn’t want to cause him hurt. It was a strange and confusing experience to feel another’s touch and not wanting to flee from it. As Ste looked into Jamie’s eyes, a feeling of absolute longing started to wash over him like a wave that washes away the foot prints that mar the beauty of an untouched beach.

Taking in a deep breath, Ste softly said “I’m a bit sore”.

“Yeah” Jamie answered softly. “Is this a denial or an invitation?” Jamie wondered silently. Hesitantly, he reached out to caress Ste’s face tenderly. Feather-light, his finger traced the soft curves of the face that has been so close and yet so far way from him for so long. Ste did not turn away from Jamie’s soft touch. He was still bewildered by the tenderness that he had thought that he would never experience again after the death of his mother so long ago. In a way, Jamie’s touch tonight reminded Ste of his mother. Jamie had the same look in his eyes as she did. The look of unconditional love given freely to another. There would be no questions asked and no demands requested for what was given tonight. “Am I ready for this? How far will this go?” Ste silently pondered.

As he looked into the twin brown pools of Ste’s eyes, Jamie’s fingers slowly begun their slow spiral downwards to Ste’s chest. Through the material of the T-shirt, Jamie felt that Ste was trembling ever so slightly. “There’s a slight wind blowing tonight but it’s not that cold. Why is Ste shivering?” Jamie winced internally. As sudden as the realisation came to him, it suddenly dawned to Jamie that Ste might have something else in his mind at that moment. “He’s disgusted! He thinks that I’m a dirty queer taking advantage of him! He’s shivering because he’s disgusted by my touch!” Jamie’s anguished thoughts screamed at him. Just as he was about to lift his hand from Ste’s chest, Ste moved his left arm over his head to allow more access to the soft fingers that were delicately tracing loving circles on his chest. An acceptance of the gift being given. A door of opportunity opening for Jamie. The circle begins again.

Conflicting thoughts were racing in Ste’s mind. “This is wrong! Why did you let Jamie touch you? You’re not queer! He says that it doesn’t matter but it matters to you!” his rational mind screamed. “Why should it matter? Deep down inside you’ve been dreaming of this. Face facts, you stupid git! How many times that you’ve prayed to have someone whose touch didn’t cause you pain. Jamie’s fingers are not hurting you! They’re showing you love. What else do you want?” Ste’s emotional side countered. The open warfare that raged between the rational and emotional sides caused Ste to shiver slightly. “I need this tonight! I’ll sort it out in the morning but tonight I need to know that I am loved by someone again” Ste concluded decisively. His emotional side had won the battle. Slowly he raised his arm out of the way to give Jamie permission to continue. A silent apology to Jamie for ever doubting his gift of love that has been missing from Ste’s life for so long.

“I’ll stop if you feel uncomfortable with this, Ste” Jamie’s soft whisper jolted Ste from his thoughts.

“No, Jamie. Please don’t stop what you’re doing. It’s OK with me, Jamie. It feels good actually” Ste blurted and quickly blushed in embarrassment at his over eagerness.

“Are you sure?” Jamie hesitantly looked into the eyes whose owners he had been worshipping from afar.

With a shy nod, Ste whispered softly “Yeah”.

With a shy smile, Jamie continued his gentle exploration for every inch of Ste’s chest. Through his T-shirt, Jamie sensed that Ste was becoming more relaxed at his touch. It was Jamie’s turn to shiver slightly at that thought. Here he was with his hands on the one person that ever mattered in his life other than his Mum. “I can’t believe that this is really happening to me.” Jamie’s mind racing at the thought. “Ste! In my bed! Me touching him! Showing him how much I loved him!” Jamie closed his eyes to concentrate all of his senses to the tips of his fingers as they made their deliberate journey around Ste’s chest. He has memorized the chest of the person beside him for so long that Jamie didn’t need to look at it to know all the soft curves, peaks and valleys. Every detail of Ste’s body was as familiar as his in his mind’s eye.

Taking in a deep breath, Ste shyly looked at this person who was showing him that another person’s touch can be comforting. “Jamie. The boy next door. Why didn’t I see it before?” Ste silently anguished. “I knew he liked me but I never dreamed that he fancied me as well. A good for nothing as Ronnie and Trevor would always remind me. I don’t deserve to find someone like this” his silent recriminations surfaced to remind Ste of who he was. As fast as the doubts came to mind, his body begun to banish them away as it started to respond to Jamie’s lingering touch. A blush crept steadily to colour his cheeks as Ste realised how his body was betraying him. He had yet to recover from the embarrassing reaction when Jamie rubbed the soothing lotion on his back and now his body was yet again announcing its delight at being this close to Jamie. Glancing at Jamie, Ste let out a soft sigh of relieve when he saw that Jamie had his eyes closed. “At least he won’t notice what his touch is doing to me.” Ste thought shyly. Closing his own eyes and smiling sheepishly, he thought “You’re a randy one, Steven Pearce! One touch and you’re about to climb the walls”. At that very moment, Ste was suddenly jolted from his thoughts by the sensations that quickly overwhelmed his brain. A sudden intake of breath was all that Ste could managed when he realised that Jamie’s fingers had brushed lightly over his nipple.

The sound of Ste being surprised was deafening to Jamie’s heighten senses. He quickly pulled his hand off Ste’s chest and looked at the angelic face beside him. Ste’s face was contorted in an expression that Jamie never saw before. “What have I done? Pain! Ste’s in pain! I’ve hurt him!” Jamie thought with a sudden tear escaping his eyes. Quickly sitting up, Jamie moved slightly away from Ste and looked away to hide the tears that begun streaming down his cheeks. “Bugger! I was too rough and touched where I shouldn’t. Tonight was meant to be special and I ended up hurting my poor Ste. My poor, lovely angel. I’m a clumsy fool who can’t even do this right” he chided himself for his own stupidity as the dam that was holding back his tears washed away.

“What was that!” Ste thought as he collected his wits after the onslaught of passion subsided. He never knew that a single touch could elicit such response from his body. For a moment he had felt that a universe of stars had exploded all at once behind his eyelids lighting up the dark corners of his soul with unimaginable brilliance. He was still trying to clear the spots from his eyes when he noticed that the loving touch that had sparked the fireworks of desire was no longer there. Suddenly Ste realised that felt alone again without the reassuring pressure of Jamie’s touch. A lump of sadness settled in his throat when he opened his eyes and saw Jamie sitting up and looking away from him. Jamie’s silhouette was framed by the soft moonlight that was coming in through the windows of Jamie’s bedroom and Ste could clearly see that his guardian angel’s body was shaking slightly. Slowly Ste raised himself off the bed and sat facing Jamie’s slightly shuddering back. Hesitantly, he raised his arm and placed his hand gently on the shoulders of the person who moments ago had open the door to a new dimension of emotions that Ste never knew existed with a single light brush of his fingertips.

“What’s wrong Jamie?” the concern in Ste’s soft whisper pierced the wall of sadness that surrounded Jamie.

Jamie did not turn around. His body shuddered with silent sobs. Ste’s soft voice did not console him this time as he realized that he was no better than Ronnie or Trevor for hurting Ste.

“Why are you crying, Jamie?” Ste’s voice came out more insistent that he had planned. He could not bear to listen to the soft sobs of the person who had only begun to show him how a touch doesn’t always mean pain. Jamie had stirred something deep inside him that he had thought that he had forgotten and now suddenly he felt much more alone than he had ever been before Jamie’s touch. The gaping hole of loneliness that Jamie left behind when he withdrew his hands threaten to engulf him. Ste was clinging to Jamie’s shoulders in hopes of a lifeline that would pull him to safety.

“I’ve hurt you! I was too rough!” Jamie managed to blurt out between the sobs that was welling up from his heaving heart.

“What?” Ste stammered as he blinked away the stray tear from his eyes on seeing his friend overwhelmed by a sadness that he didn’t understand.

“Your bruises! I didn’t mean to, Ste. I touched the bruise on your chest and that hurt you!” Jamie was inconsolable.

“Shite! He really thinks that he hurt me!” Ste suddenly realized the cause for Jamie’s sobbing. He had never thought that he would see the day that someone would actually cry for causing him pain. A silent thanks rang out from the deepest part of his soul to God for allowing him to find such a person when he himself had given up on the notion. Here, as he sat on Jamie’s bed, he finally found someone who would rather die than cause him even the slightest bit of discomfort. Wiping away the tear that rolled unconsciously down his cheek, Ste decided to make Jamie understand that he did not do anything wrong.

“Jamie. Please turn around.” Ste increased the pressure on Jamie’s shoulder in hopes that it would rouse him from his sadness and see the light of reason. Slowly he turned Jamie around to face him.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry …” Jamie kept repeating the same words over and over again as tears trickle down his downcast face.

Ste moved to put his hands on either side of Jamie’s head. “Shhh, stop crying, Jamie. Look up. Look at my face. Please!” Ste pleaded gently unsure of what to do to stop this flow of tears.

Jamie was still shaking with sobs as Ste gently lifted his face so that they can look into each other’s eyes. Jamie’s eyes were red with tears and puffy around the edges. Ste had a slight smile of gratitude on his face. “Those tears are for your pain, Steven Pearce. Cherish them as they are the first in a long time shed for your pain. Show him that he was never the cause of your pain tonight or on any night” his mind whispered softly. “But how?” Ste searched frantically for an answer. “You know how, Ste” a small unearthly whisper suddenly broke through the confusion in his mind.

(to be continued)

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Looking forward for a good year

It’s strange really when the moment you thought that you have everything planned out then life throws you a curve ball and messes everything up. That’s the only excuse I can give for not updating this blog for the past 6 months.

I did honestly planned to recap the “One in A Million” show but when I started to miss watching the shows and repeats on their website, my interest in the whole endeavor quickly waned. Somehow it didn’t feel the same like when I recapped the whole season of MI2 … I was motivated then by the talents on the show but that motivation was strangely absent in the case of OIAM. In the end I decided to chuck the whole project out of the window instead of feeling guilty that I’m not putting an effort to recap episode after episode.

I also continued on my summer ’06 blockbuster movie watching spree but felt writing about them fairly pointless after a while. I fell into a writing rut that all I wanted to do was to just concentrate on my work and not dwell on how I was personally smothering my creative impulses. I became less guilty as the days went by for every entry that I didn’t write to the point that I simply didn’t care for it any more.

So … what’s changed?

For one … one of my new years resolution is to let my creative side more leeway to roam free. It has been a few years since I really produced something that I was really proud of both personally and professionally. I don’t want to continue feeling that I was just going with the flow and just letting things happen around me. It’s time for me to snap out of the general malaise that I have been wallowing lately and take back charge of my course yet to be navigated.

Writing is exactly the outlet I need to exercise my new found determination for change. There was a time that I could pour out my personal demons on printed word and not have them bottled up within to fester. I need to have that feeling of control again in my life. To that effect, I’ve decided to reactivate this blog as a way for me to keep myself in practice. I’ve also set myself two writing projects to be completed by the end of the year. One of them is the continuation of my previously abandoned collection of autobiographical stories from my experiences of studying in a boarding school and the other is a film screenplay adaptation of an original story written by a fellow blogger.

Will I be able to do it … heaven knows but I know that I will put in my best effort to try. I can’t ask more of myself than that. If I do then it would truly be a good year for me.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Men At Work

Site renovations in progress and I hope to get back to blogging fairly soon.

Part of my 2007 new years resolution.