Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Stormy Clouds of Depression

I have body image issues.

I hate so much how I look in the mirror that some days I just have to forcible stop myself from breaking every mirror in the house. No matter how much I try to ignore it, I hate how my face is too wide and my nose is too flat. I hate how my lips look too thin and my chin looks too weak. I look at pictures from 10 years back and wonder how did my face end up the way it did today. Somewhere along the line, something happened and my face got messed up and I hate it.

I hate how I can’t control my weight. I’ve gone from 65kgs to a maximum of 100kg at one time. My waist size yoyo from size 30 to 40 in such a short time that it has to be unhealthy to say the least. Even today my weight fluctuation is so erratic that I find myself gaining 4kgs during the week only to lose it over the weekend. I have to admit that I have been using laxative herbal teas to help me control my weight to the point that I think that I’ve been abusing it. I’ve been so depended on them so long that I can’t be comfortable if I don’t have some every evening. I’ve told myself not to ever start purging no matter how I feel about my weight because I know that if I start doing then I would only hurt myself.

I realize that most of my self-esteem issues stems from the way I think people are perceiving how I look. I shy away from crowds because I can’t stop comparing my shortcomings to other people. I always avoid situations where cameras are around because I can’t stand to see how I look in a photograph. Don’t even get me started on my pathological avoidance of taking my clothes off in front of anyone. I realize that I have not been able to sustain a real relationship partly because I always feel that eventually the other person would realize my shortcomings and leave me for someone else. It doesn’t help that sometimes I feel that people are really reacting to someone’s looks first before the other things.

Every other day, every other hour, every other minute I seriously wish that I can stop hating how I look. I seriously wish that I can stop wishing that I can be somebody else.

God ... give me the strength to accept what I can’t change and the wisdom to tell the difference.

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