Thursday, August 07, 2003

Work Satisfaction

I have never really considered doing some part-time work outside of the office. Partly it is because by the time that I get back from work, I’m usually totally knackered and would rather just drop into a nice comfortable bed. My weekends are out of the question since they are the only time that I really have for myself that to spend them working for somebody else seems wasteful. It is not that I have any shortage of offers to earn some money outside of the office. In fact, I have been receiving a bunch of offers lately to do private consultancy work that would take some of my personal time out of the schedule but I just can’t find the drive to commit to them. Some of my friends whom I’ve told about these offers actually find it strange that I would so easily give up these opportunities that I had to make extra cash.

Looking back, I don’t really know why I keep declining the offers that come my way. It is not as if I’m rolling in money all the time. In fact, I am actually barely scraping by month after month with my single paycheck but I have to say that I’m still living comfortably with it. I still get to put a part of my take home pay aside for saving, insurance and some minor investments even after paying all my bills. On some occasions, I still have the opportuinity to pamper myself to a special treat if I plan for it in advance. It would be nice if I could have more money to spend but who doesn’t think the same regardless of how much they earn. I have to truthfully say that I don’t put much stock in living your life in the pursuit of wealth. Most probably this is because that I have been taught all my life to live only within my means and always have a safe nest egg for emergencies as no one would be there to pay your way out of a jam but yourself. Does this attitude make me an underachiever? Maybe but I’m not too sure if that is actually a bad thing to be.

When I first started working, I set a goal for myself that I would earn more money than my father ever did while he was still working. To date, I have not only achieved that goal but also surpassed it two-fold. I’ve also surpass all other people in my extended family in terms of monthly income which makes me a bit guilty for feeling that I should try to get more. Most of the people whom I’ve told them about this don’t really understand my feelings of guilt about it and frankly speaking neither do I. Maybe it is because I hate seeing how much more I have compared to them. My family is of course very proud of what I have done for myself and thankful that they would have me to help them out but that only makes me feel singled out and isolated. I try to be gracious about their praise but I can’t help feeling that this is adding to my increasing issues with isolation and abandonment.

I feel guilty for feeling greedy but am I actually greedy for wanting to achieve more in my life? If that achievement happens to come with monetary rewards must I always hesitate to grab it? I guess that these are the things that keep running in my mind and writing all this down helps me to vocalize it in my head. I may not find any answers to these questions but at least I have the opportunity to acknowledge them. It’s no wonder I can’t sustain any meaningful relationships. This is just the tip of the iceberg of my emotional baggage I carry around and some days I have to wonder how I can get up in the morning to face the world.

Somehow I still do.

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