Monday, January 28, 2008

An Uncertain Journey

I pride myself as having an alternative plan to almost everything that I go through in life. The thought of not being able to switch plans should the first plan fall through does scare me a bit as that would disrupt my orderly existence. As such, it usually takes me a while to take action as I would need time to consider the best opportunities and then get another set to be my backup plan if the first set don’t work out. Some backup plans were made for the small details of my day while others I have set down for my long term planning of what I want to do with my life.

Events that happened in the past 2 weeks saw me jettisoned a major backup plan pertaining to how I would live my life. This was a backup plan that I have put in place for almost as long as I remember. It was something that I thought that I would eventually settle for should nothing better comes along. Something that I had set in motion to be there should I fail to overcome my fear of reaching out and grasping the happiness that I want for myself in life. Something that, before recently, I thought would be my lot in life in the very near future.

I realized that my backup plan was in effect a crutch that I continued to use to avoid facing certain truths in my life. For as long as it was there, I did not have to risk anything detrimental to matters of my heart since I can always cut my losses and run away to my backup plan. What I didn’t fully realized till quite recently was that I was not the only one depending of this backup plan. There was one other person in this scenario that was being dragged along in this plan whether they like it or not. For as long as I continued to hold on to my backup plan, I effectively had this person’s life on hold waiting for me to fall back to the plan.

So I decided to take the risk and totally abandon that particular backup plan.

Of course, being me, I went through a minor freaking-out episode when the realization of what I had done finally sink in. Obviously I got through that episode with all my facilities intact .. more or less.

So here I am with nary a backup plan relating to how I would find happiness in my life from this point on. I have to be honest and admit that the prospect of not having that crutch scares me but there still is a sense of excitement at the thought that from this point on I would operate on unknown territories. Letting go of that plan has also given me a sense of freedom to explore new possibilities without feeling the guilt of knowing that I am allowing an innocent person to remain in a limbo that I somewhat place that person in without their actual consent.

For once in a long time, I am navigating my life using star charts that yet to be written and not those fixed in stone. Rough seas ahead would have to be expected but the adventure would definitely be worth an uncertain journey.


Amazonman said...

You've done the right thing, bro. I am proud of you for biting the bullet and going ahead with it. :)

Nickxandar said...

Thanks, bro.

Some things are worth the pain now rather than prolonging the misery later.