In A Dark Mood

I think it might be the weather or maybe the over-salted pasta that I made but I’m finding myself in a somewhat of a dark mood right now.

A friend once remarked that I have a dark streak simmering just underneath the surface. I have to admit that he is correct in that observation and I know that would actually surprise my other friends since they might have never seen that side of me. I’ve had a lot of practice holding the reins in tightly to make sure those darker impulses don’t go out and wreak havoc in my daily life. Somedays I just have to let them loose for a bit and those are the days that I get into my dark moods.

Last night, still awake at 2am in the morning, I just felt like crying. Don’t ask me why. Just felt that I had to let go and have a cathartic bawl. Since I don’t have anything in particular to cry about, I had to fall back to my old standby of watching Season 2 finale episode of "Dawson’s Creek" which has never fail to reduce me to a sobbing mess. I’m sure people reading this are just snickering at how a teen-angst filled drama series can reduce a grown man to tears but don’t knock it off till you try it yourself. It’s hard not to shed a tear at the 2 scenes in the final third of the episode when Jen comes back to her grandmother’s house and the reconciliation scene between Pacey and his emotionally distant father.

It kills me every time I watch that episode. Got about 5 minutes of therapeutic crying out of it which was good enough for me. If I needed more, I would have selected the "Dawson’s Creek" series finale episode instead. That would keep me sobbing for almost ½ an hour towards the end.

Spent the whole morning just bouncing between light and darkness. I’m just riding it out hoping that it will resolve itself soon. In the meantime, I’m just staying at home listening to Alanis Morissette’s "Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie" CD on continuous loop.

Alanis Morissette’s first two CD released were practically my life’s soundtrack while I was in college and the remaining part of the 90’s. I had so much anger, unresolved conflicts and self destructive urges in me then that listening to someone as angry and angsty as myself back then was nothing short of comforting. It’s like having a non-judgmental friend to share what you were feeling when you had nothing like that in real life. The first time I heard her, I was in the process of getting drunk on Budweiser beer alone in a bar and instantly got the connection after listening to "All I Really Want" and “You Ought To Know” from the "Jagged Little Pill" album. Much has changed since then but I would always have a soft spot for her first 2 albums.

She has released 2 more full albums after "Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie" but other than a few of the videos shown on TV, I have not actually listen to her latter work. From what I can gather, her work has mellowed out over the years and doesn’t have the same biting edge of her first 2 albums which is understandable since no one can stay angry forever. I guess that the angst filled songs are more for artists like Pink or Avril Lavigne now who by the way are among my favorites too. I guess I should go out and get those 2 latter CDs one fo these days to balance out my Alanis fix.

But nothing beats spending a dark dreary day in a dark mood listening to Alanis Morissette.

"That I Would Be Good" - Alanis Morissette

That I would be good even if I did nothing
That I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
That I would be good if I got and stayed sick
That I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

That I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
That I would be great if I was no longer queen
That I would be grand if I was not all knowing

That I would be loved even when I numb myself
That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
That I would be loved even when I was fuming
That I would be good even if I was clingy

That I would be good even if I lost sanity
That I would be good
Whether with or without you




Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie
-Alanis Morissette

I’ll bounce back soon enough.

Post Update (11pm): Bouncing Boy has bounced back to the light side thanks to YM messages from friends.