Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Reflections on Turning 33

It’s that time of the year again that I have to add yet another digit to the number of years that I have been alive.

I think that I have finally recovered from the shock of turning 30 (I know … that was 3 years ago) and now can look forward planning for the future. To tell the truth, I never made any plans in case that I lived past my 30th birthday just because I couldn’t imagine back when I was 12 what I wanted to plan for that point in life. After meeting all of the life goals that I set back then by the time I turned 30, I found myself at a loss of what to strive for next. For all intense and purposes, my life plans stopped at 30 and it took me 3 years of meandering through life to finally figure out what to plan next.

Looking back in the past 33 years of living, these are some of the life lessons that I have learned

- I will never look as good as the next person wearing one of those tailored/slim fit clothes no matter how hard I try to suck my gut in.
- I will always cry at the end of “E.T” no matter how many times I watch and the age at which I watch the film.
- I can’t stop collection comic books even if I wanted to.
- There will be times that I am stronger emotionally than I give myself credit.
- There will be times that my heart will lead me to hurt.
- My current love life sucks because I can’t let go of the past.
- I continue to believe in “love at first sight” and “soulmate” because there was a time in my life that I had both in the same package.
- I continue to look for that one person willing to grow old with me instead of the one to keep me warm only for one night.
- My biggest fear is to be left behind, alone and unremarkable.
- I will always hate how I look in the mirror no matter what other people say.

Looking forward, I’m going to start planning for my retirement. My goal is to be financially independent by the time I have to retire by starting to invest wisely in whatever that I need to ensure that I meet that goal. It’s time that I make full potential of the disposable income that I have now to build up to my financial freedom. The last thing that I want happen is that I become depended on other people when I retire from the workforce.

It would also not hurt if I took care of myself better physically. I’ve already successfully been nicotine-free from the past 2 years and sober for at least the past 5 years so the next goal is to recover my body from those years of abuse. I feel too self-conscious about how I look to actually join a gym but I am seriously considering the prospect since I really am sick of how I look reflected back in the mirror. I could afford to lose another 10 kg at least anyway.

I guess that I’m too enveloped in my comfort zone to go out looking for love and risk breaking my heart again. At 33 there are no shortage of the usual questions about when I am going to settle down and start a family. I have never given up the dream of having my own children even when they are days that I think to myself why I even bother with it all. I don’t think that I would ever be complete as a person if I know that I would never be able to leave behind a legacy of a bloodline of my own. The question now is both the how and the who to make that happen. Of course the “how” would then be followed closely by the “could I?” and the “who” would be followed by the “is this the one?”. Of all the things in my life now, the matters of the heart are the least clear to me at this point of my life.

Uncertainties aside, what is certain is that today I turn another year older. Since there is nothing that I can do about it, I might as well make the best of the time that I have and be thankful of the rich life that I already lived. For all the griping that I do every time February 7th rolls around, I have to admit that my life has made me who I am and I could never exchange it with another and not be a different person.

So here’s to turning 33 and everything that comes with it. Given all my past exploits, I count myself lucky for getting this far.

Things could have been much worse that they are now.


akihisa said...

Gosh, today's your birthday ?! Well, technically it's yesterday if you look at the time of posting. Hehe ! Happy Birthday, Nick !! Seriously, I think LOVE is SO worth the risks. Honestly, I don't even know what LOVE is since I've never experienced it before. So, be thankful that you've had it in the past and you know what it is. Next time, when LOVE comes a calling, you know. Me, I'll be pretty clueless. LOL !

Nickxandar said...

Thanks for the birthday wish.

Next time LOVE comes a'knocking, it should bloody well bring a large neon sign as well so I don't miss it :p

neverhere said...

happy birthday! i can definitely relate to most of ur life revelations, esp point #5-7 and 9.. sigh..