It's Time To Change

Long time readers of my blog and those who know me personally outside on this space know full well my issues with my personal appearance. No matter how much people try to convince me that I don’t look half bad relative to the trolls that roam the dark backrooms in KL, I still have to physically restrain myself from breaking each mirror every time I catch my own reflection in them. In my mind’s eye, I can’t lose enough weight fast enough for me to be comfortable in my own body. It got worse as I grew older and start yearning for physical intimacies because I could not bring myself to take my clothes off in front of another person no matter how much I wanted to. If I can’t bear looking at myself unclothed in front of the mirror without feeling disgusted, how can I expect another to not have the same disgust when they look at me?

Fortunately for me and my sanity, I like to think that there is still hope. 2006 turned out to be the first time that my yearly resolution to lose weight really got accomplished. I started 2006 weighing 89kg and by the time 2007 rolled around, I had lost 9 kg and at least 2 waistband size. I think that I managed to do this by changing my eating habits … eating half the portions size that I used to, eating better food and cutting out as much junk from my diet as my cravings can let me. Somehow I tapped into the same willpower that have helped me to be successfully nicotine free for the last 3 years which still amazes me considering how much of a cigarette fiend I was back then. This well of willpower will be something that I would really need this coming year.

For 2007, I have made it a goal for me to lose even more weight than I did last year. I need to do this not only so that I can feel better about myself but also as a precautionary measure since I’m fairly sure that my previously diagnosed borderline hypertension would have been upgraded to full blown just-waiting-for-a-stroke-to-happen by now. At 33 (ok … 34 next month), it’s almost a sin not to take better care of yourself if one wanted to live out the remainder of your life in the best of health. I like to think that what I do now in terms of my health and well being at this point of my life will pay out in dividends when I turn 50 if I live that long that is.

To beat my previous record of losing 9kgs, I have decided to not only continue my existing dietary habits but to couple that with moderate workouts. Other than my daily 1 hour round trip walk to work, I haven’t really done much in terms of working out in the past year. If I could lose 9kgs just with my walks, just imagine how much more weight I could lose if I just got off my fat ass and start excising more. The thought was enough to get me to dust off my old neglected exercise machine and start using it again after years it sat rusting quietly in my storage room. I have only been using it about 30 minutes per session every other day for the past 2 weeks and was pleasantly surprised how much I feel that I could really get into this again. I did some free weights back when I was in college but never really stuck to it much to my disappointment now. I’m fairly sure that if I were to put in as much effort as I do in being substance free into working out, I would be able to meet my goal of achieving my optimum body weight. Hopefully by doing that, I would also be able to tone up my body so at least I will no longer have the urge to tempt 7 years of bad luck every time I see myself in the mirror.

There is a new gym opening up near my apartment that is having a pre-opening membership drive that I have been considering to sign up. I already have a free gym facility that I could go to at my workplace but I have been too self conscious to go to since everyone who goes to that gym know me from work. They also do not offer any trainers to help map out a workout plan in my office gym which I really need if I achieve my goals. The facilities being offered at this new gym looks promising as well as the classes that they offer free to members. The only drawback is that I have to sign up for a whole year membership contract for the first year before being able to opt out in the second year if I wanted to. At RM 115 per month, I’m not sure if it is considered a good value since I have never had to pay for gym membership before. I guess that I have to ask around some of my friends who I know are gym goers to see it the price seems reasonable. If it is, then is a good chance that I will treat myself to a gym membership this year.

If I do, I guess I’ll be shopping for a gym buddy as well to keep me motivated :-)

Stormy Clouds of Depression

I have body image issues.

I hate so much how I look in the mirror that some days I just have to forcible stop myself from breaking every mirror in the house. No matter how much I try to ignore it, I hate how my face is too wide and my nose is too flat. I hate how my lips look too thin and my chin looks too weak. I look at pictures from 10 years back and wonder how did my face end up the way it did today. Somewhere along the line, something happened and my face got messed up and I hate it.

I hate how I can’t control my weight. I’ve gone from 65kgs to a maximum of 100kg at one time. My waist size yoyo from size 30 to 40 in such a short time that it has to be unhealthy to say the least. Even today my weight fluctuation is so erratic that I find myself gaining 4kgs during the week only to lose it over the weekend. I have to admit that I have been using laxative herbal teas to help me control my weight to the point that I think that I’ve been abusing it. I’ve been so depended on them so long that I can’t be comfortable if I don’t have some every evening. I’ve told myself not to ever start purging no matter how I feel about my weight because I know that if I start doing then I would only hurt myself.

I realize that most of my self-esteem issues stems from the way I think people are perceiving how I look. I shy away from crowds because I can’t stop comparing my shortcomings to other people. I always avoid situations where cameras are around because I can’t stand to see how I look in a photograph. Don’t even get me started on my pathological avoidance of taking my clothes off in front of anyone. I realize that I have not been able to sustain a real relationship partly because I always feel that eventually the other person would realize my shortcomings and leave me for someone else. It doesn’t help that sometimes I feel that people are really reacting to someone’s looks first before the other things.

Every other day, every other hour, every other minute I seriously wish that I can stop hating how I look. I seriously wish that I can stop wishing that I can be somebody else.

God ... give me the strength to accept what I can’t change and the wisdom to tell the difference.

Feeling My Age

Age is really catching up to me.

I had the most difficult time trying to stay awake at the office today. I guess that all those long nights this past weekend has started to exact their toll on my concentration. It used to be that I wouldn’t be easily fazed by staying up all night partying or engaging in night long game marathons. Nowadays I immediately out like a light the moment my head hits the pillow at midnight. Good thing that I don’t have any social life after office hours to speak of or I’ll be just be embarrassing myself by doing Cinderella impressions every time I go out. I’ve tried taking a few food supplements to help increase my energy levels but while it helps to get through the day, I still feel totally drained after I come back from work.

My age is also showing through the amount of grey hair that I find every morning. I don’t know if it is a valid medical condition but my hair has been graying out gradually since I was in my early twenties. I’m sure that it is not genetics as my father and grandfather didn’t turn grey until they turned fifty and none of my brothers share the same affliction. It has gotten to the point that I have to regularly dye my hair to cover the grey areas that are mostly concentrated on the sides of my head. I don’t mind forgoing the now frequent need to color my hair if the grey areas come out uniformly. At least that would look somewhat distinguished but unfortunately for me, mine grows out in patches that really stand out to a casual viewer.

At least I am lucky enough that I have somewhat clear skin. Even after hitting puberty, I never had much trouble with acne unlike the other people around me. Of course, my life-long obsession with face-washing helped in that regards. I actually feel compelled to keep my face oil-free at all times that sometimes I think that it borders an obsessive compulsive behavior pattern. Years of going through this ritual has left me with a clear but dry skin which is equally as bad as having acne scars especially when my wrinkles start to show. I have to admit that there was a time that I would scoff at the idea of having to use face creams and such but nowadays I find them a necessity in order to feel comfortable with myself.

I could rant on and on for days about the things that I wished that I could change as I grow older. I’ve always had this problem with self image which has partly caused me to avoid the glare of any type of attention as well as feel inferior to other people. Day after day, the checklist of things needing more attention start to grow longer and I guess that I have to one day wake up and accept all these changes. Change is an inevitable constant in life that the sooner I begin to accept them, the better off I would be. Of course I guess that this wouldn’t be this much of a problem if I’ve already found that special someone to grow old with. At least then I have another person to share the journey of counting the years together as we go through this life.

Horrible Photo and Misc DVDs

I went to pickup the photos that I took yesterday for the new staff badges after work today. Frankly speaking, I was actually dreading it the whole day. I despise taking photographs because I never like how I look in them. They say that the camera adds ten pounds to your face. In my case, they always seem to add twenty instead. I hate taking photos of myself so much that I developed a habit of ducking out of the way every time someone walks into a room with a camera. Of course, there are some occasions that I can’t escape the evil eye of the camera lens no matter how hard I try. Getting photos made out for official purposes is one of them. I hate seeing how bad I’m aging through the years. I used to have a single chin when I was younger. Heck … my Adam’s apple was visible before but now you’ll be hard pressed to find it in this photo. I have to admit, looking at this photo doesn’t help me with my self-esteem issues. But at least it is better than the last ones I took. I totally looked like Shrek in that one.

Work is moving along in a steady pace. I get to dabble more into computer security that I did before so that is interesting. I’m thinking of even asking my boss if I can try that full time instead of what I’ve been doing for the past 7 years. Regardless, I still get to find time to browse the Net at the office. The one site that I go to most often is Amazon.com. I practically check them out everyday for updates of future DVD releases. Anyway … it seems that my CC will really get a workout come September. A lot of DVD box sets that I look forward to seem to be scheduled to be released by that month. One thing good about Amazon is that if you put in a pre order for these future releases, you get at least a 25% discount of the retail price. That discount actually offsets my shipping cost so I actually get the DVDs cheaper than if I were to get them in a local store. With DVD box sets, this savings are even more and plus they are really hard to get locally. Of course if you can get them at all … I don’t think that I would be able to get “Will and Grace” or “Queer as Folk” box sets locally.

One of the most anticipated sets will also be available during that same time period. A lot of people have been patiently been waiting for the “Indiana Jones” movies to go on DVD. In fact I read some where that it is the 2nd most requested movies for DVD after the original Star Wars trilogy. Well … it seems that all the fans prayers has been answered and then some. Instead of releasing Indy on individual DVDs, all the Indiana Jones movies will be packaged and sold as a 4-DVD collector’s set sometime later this year. I think that the price is quite reasonable for such an esteemed and anticipated collection. Of course this means I just need to save up a little more to add it into my collection.

Of course, there will also be the “Battlestar Galactica” and "Smallville" sets that will be released in later of this year. That would surely put a dent in my finances this year. Too bad I can get a tax deduction for them.